My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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