God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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