I wish life had little blips of pornography
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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