No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
