dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
