Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Don't make out with my wife yet
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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