i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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