I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I have surprise drugs for everyone
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
