Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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