I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
