Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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