Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
