I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
