i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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