You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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