Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
