if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You ruined the universe
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
