3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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