I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Can you bring me the toilet please
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
