I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
