you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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