MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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