This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
