At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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