You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
