Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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