i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
