i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
