Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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