A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
