I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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