the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Found your dick twin last night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
