You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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