don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
