Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
