woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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