i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
