that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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