I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
did i just pee glitter
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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