I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
