do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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