Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
