Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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