very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
