half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
