Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
