our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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