ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
