ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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