totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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