and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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