I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
